As adults we look back at our
teen years, sometimes with affectionate nostalgia and other times with horror,
depending on the experiences that we had. Our teen years are more than just a
memory; this is the time when our adult persona starts developing. Our
experiences as teens can have long-term effects on our life and our
relationships as adults. In some cases, to have a better understanding about
the people that we have become and our choices in life, we need to go down
memory lane and reflect back on our life as teens. In this interview, teen life
coach Sheri Gazitt talks about how relationship patterns that teen girls
experience, affect their relationship choices as adults, and how mothers could
help guide their daughters to have healthier and more satisfying relationships.
Sheri Gazitt is a parent and teen educator who delves
into difficult topics that parents and teens face every day, such as: beauty,
perfection, decision-making, stress, and bullying. She has been a guest on Q13,
Chat with Women, Disney Radio, and The News Chick, and has been quoted in
Parent Map and school publications. Among those she has advised are delegates
from the World Council, Seattle University, Boys and Girls Clubs, Seattle Storm,
Girl Scouts, and numerous PTAs. Prior to establishing her own company, she
worked as the GoGirlGo! Director for the Women’s Sports Foundation. Her early
career was spent in the research field within Neurology and Neuropsychology
departments. The combination of
her professional experiences and her personal life gives her a unique
perspective on the teen world. She
has three daughters of her own spanning high school and college. All of them
act as consultants and give their stamp of approval on content.
How
do relationship-patterns women experience as teens affect their future
relationships?
Many of our patterns develop
during our teen years. This is because it is the time when teens are figuring
out who they are and how they relate to the world. If girls experience
unhealthy relationships during their teen years, whether it’s with a friend, boyfriend,
or parent, that can be reflected in their romantic relationships later in life.
For girls who experience unhealthy or abusive friendships as a teen, this opens
the door for future abusive relationships.
What
recommendations would you offer teenage girls to help them have more healthy
and satisfying relationships?
For teen girls who are dating,
it’s important that their dating life is balanced with their friendship life.
They need to continue to hang out with friends and have fun without their
boyfriend/girlfriend. Also, they need to make sure that they aren’t looking to
their romantic partner to make them feel better about themselves or to fill a
hole in their lives. Happiness comes from our own inner voices not from those
around us. And keep in mind that dating should be fun and exciting when you are
a teenager.
Also, teen girls need to realize
that when they have sex with someone, it increases their emotional connection.
This is primarily true for girls not boys. Women have a different chemical
reaction to sex than men. So sex should come after a friendship and an
emotional bond is formed, not before.
Let’s
talk about a girl’s relationship with herself. What are the most common issues
teen girls are bothered with today, and what advice do you have for them?
Teen girls are very hard on
themselves much like moms these days. They want to do it all and be the best at
everything. Many girls are striving not for betterment or excellence but for perfection.
And expecting perfection can really hold you back and cause so much anxiety and
stress.
I tell both teen girls and their
mothers, when you make mistakes, learn from them and move one. Don’t beat
yourself up about them.
My advice to girls would be to
enjoy life. Find YOUR passion, do what makes YOU happy. When you find your
passion you will flourish and find your own personal success. And with that,
you will find happiness.
How
would you advise mothers to help their daughters have healthy relationships?
We would all love it if our kids
wouldn’t date before 30, but that is not going to happen. Teach your daughters
what is healthy in a relationship and what is not. Talk to them about how they
deserve to be treated. Even before they start dating, start the conversations
about your house rules on dating, what they want from a relationship, and the
importance of setting boundaries in a relationship. You should also have the
uncomfortable conversations about sex. It doesn’t have to be one long
conversation that covers everything, but have short and frequent conversations.
The best way to start these conversations is to ask them questions. Let them
steer the conversations by paying attention to their cues. If your daughter
starts dating, it’s extremely important to be attentive to how the relationship
is progressing. Watch for signs of an unhealthy relationship such as possessive
behavior, isolating behavior, and aggressive behavior. It’s up to us as parents
to guide our girls when they need to get out of a difficult relationship.
What
can a mature woman learn from her teen years?
If a woman realizes that she is
tough on herself, I would encourage her to reflect back on her middle school
years. Many relationship patterns start during that time in friendships and
romantic relationships. Consider what patterns are serving her well and which
can be laid to rest once and for all. Just realizing the source of some habits
can help to kick them to the curb.
What
message would you like to give women?
I want girls and women of all
ages to truly embrace who they are with all of their amazingness and all of
their imperfections. Love yourself unconditionally. When you truly love
yourself, the rest of your relationships will bloom.
