The fear of rejection holds many
people back when it comes to dating. Fear of rejection is a debilitating
feeling that stops many people from connecting with a person that they find
attractive and interesting due to the possibility that the other wouldn’t share
the same sentiments. To avoid hurt and disappointment many people choose to
suppress their desires and succumb to their fears. But not trying doesn’t get
anyone any closer to what they would like to achieve. To learn more on the
matter I have met with dating coach Amin Lakhani. We discussed his personal
experience with dating and his approach on how to deal with fear of rejection
and start dating.
Amin Lakhani graduated from The University
of Pennsylvania with degrees in computer science and economics (from The
Wharton School) and is a former Microsoft employee. After
working through his own challenges in the dating arena and watching his friends struggle in that same field, he decided to make it his life mission to help
other men succeed in achieving the relationship they crave. To learn more about
him and his services you can visit his website The Dating Coach on Wheels.
What was your initial experience with women and dating?
I grew up being very successful
academically, however I was dead last when it came to relationships. I didn’t know how to date. I was
interested in girls, but I had no idea how to further that interest in them, or
even how to talk to them. I was also afraid of rejection. I was unsure whether a
woman would be interested in me, because I have a disability and I use a wheel
chair to get around. I also didn’t know anyone who is like me and who successfully
dated women. As a result I focused on school, assuming that if I have a good
education, become successful and wealthy, have a nice home, and a nice car, maybe
then women would like me. I went
to the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia and earned two degrees: one
in the school of engineering in computer science and another at the Wharton
school of business. After graduating I got a job at Microsoft and moved to
Seattle. I had all those achievements but there were no girls to be found. I
lacked confidence, I lacked prior experience. I thought having a
relationship was just going to happen to me. I thought that when I got to a
certain point in life the girls would be knocking down my door, but that didn’t
happen.
What did you do to change your reality in the dating arena?
I looked into a lot of online
resources. There are so many online resources for guys on how to be better with
women. Unfortunately it is mainly focused on physical things – how to have sex
with women. And yes, that was of
interest to me, but not what I really craved. I honestly wanted just that one
girl that I’m really connected to, who likes the things that I like. I really
wanted that connection. When I was 23, I came across a dating coach here in
Seattle who was giving a seminar titled “conversation secrets.” I thought that
was a great place for me to start, since I couldn’t talk to women. I couldn’t
hold a conversation for more than 10 seconds and not freak out. I went to his
presentation, and thought it was very helpful material. He seemed to know what it
was all about. I approached him afterwards and asked about his private
coaching. At first he wasn’t sure about me; he had never helped a man in a
wheelchair before. He thought about it for a few days before he agreed to work
with me. It was a life changing experience.
What did you learn from him?
Three basic principles:
1. I get to decide how people see me. I
was dressed like a sad guy and I didn’t really make eye contact with people. I would
try to get out of people’s sight as soon as possible. He said, “Well if you are
acting like a sad shy guy in a wheelchair - that’s how people are going to treat
you. Yes, you stick out; you look
different. You either try to hide it, which is not going to work - you are
still going to be noticed, or you just own it, and say, ‘OK, this is who I am,
and I’m going to give people something to look at.’” So I changed how I dress. He gave me some pointers to start off
with, and from then on I really picked it up on my own as I started taking interest
in fashion. I started getting a lot of compliments.
2. Connecting with people by being genuinely
interested in them. He made me read How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie. The premise of this book is that you need to be
genuinely interested in other people. Before, I used to think I had to do
awesome things in life to get people to be interested in me. That might help,
but ultimately it comes down to how comfortable people feel with you while
talking about themselves. If you get people to talk about something that is
deeply important to them, they will love you. People are dying for that focused
attention – when a person asks them questions, listens intently, and internalizes
what they are saying. That is a great gift to give someone.
3. Having courage. I’ve always thought
women like strong built guys who can lift them up and carry them, like the
knights in shining armor in the movies. I was right that women do like
strength, but it’s not just about physical strength. What is more powerful and
shows more strength is having the courage to tell a woman that I find her
attractive; to have that courage no matter how many times I had been shut down
by other women in the past. It is a scary thing to open your heart knowing
there is a chance that you might get rejected. We are hard wired for that
rejection to hurt. And it does hurt. It’s about finding ways to process those
feelings and doing that again, despite the pain of the rejection. For me, my
coach said, “I’m going to be honest with you, 95% of the women in the world,
maybe even 99% of the women of the world, will write you off before you even
have a chance. The question is - are you going to talk to those 100 women to
find that one who will be open to it, or are you just going to quit if it
doesn’t work out with the first few?”
How did you become a coach yourself?
I really
enjoyed my time at Microsoft, but due to health problems I decided to take a
leave of absence. In that time I thought about what I would truly
want to do in life. Initially I just wanted to be a public speaker, which I
still do and enjoy. I thought about what other skills I have – and coaching
just seemed like it was calling to me. I wanted to help people with their
struggles in the same domain that I’ve struggled.
Who is your clientele now?
My
clientele is typically men in their 20s in the tech sector. Guys in technology,
like myself, are bred to be good with computers, which is completely the opposite
of how humans work. It’s like sciences versus art. We are very left-brained,
and we struggle in relationships because you have to use your right-brain to
connect with people.
What are the most common issues your
clients need help with?
It relates
to the three points I mentioned earlier. They aren't aware of how their
appearance is perceived, they struggle to carry a conversation, and they don’t
have the courage to let a woman know that they are interested in her. They are
so scared of rejection that they don’t put themselves out there with women, or
don’t do it enough. They are waiting for the girl to make the first move. In
some cases they have that one girl that they already know and have their heart
set on; they really want something more with her but lack the courage to
actually let her know.
What advice would
you have for a man who is attracted to a certain woman, but has not been able
to approach her?
Just go and
talk to her. Make sure you are dressed well and engage her in a conversation.
Many guys, and
even women, make the mistake of trying to suss out a lot of signals to know
whether or not the other person is interested. It is way easier if you just let
them know that you are interested and move things forward. You can say, “Hey, I
think you are super cute, you are really fun to talk to, and I would like to
take you out on a date.” Very
simple. Their answer will let you know everything you need to know. It is scary,
because not everyone is going to say yes to that. Sometimes people think, “Oh,
maybe she needs to know me better.” But that is how you get to know the person
better - when you go and hang out with them. It’s not going to happen at work,
it’s not going to happen amongst your friends. You need time alone. In reality,
I believe most women have already decided if they want to go out with you before
you even say a word. So conversation is good; it’s good to know more about them
and make them feel more comfortable in making that decision of going out with
you, but ultimately it’s more important to just pull the trigger and ask her
out.
Some guys index
on trying to build the connection first.
They meet a girl, talk to her at length, but they don’t ask for her
number because either they don’t feel like they know each other well, or they
are with friends and don’t want to seem weird. Once they go their separate ways it becomes a missed
opportunity. Who knows if they will meet that person again.
How do you train a person to get over the fear
of rejection?
The reality is
that you never get over that fear, because it’s hardwired in us. All you can do
is to do it anyway, over and over again. You learn to be vulnerable, as Brene Brown wrote in her book Daring Greatly, and do the work to heal your wound. Sometimes there is a long stretch of time
where things don’t go anywhere. And it’s really taxing. You need to share this
experience with someone who loves you no matter what. It can be family or
friends. You need to talk about it and get it off your chest and feel accepted.
You need to build a community around you that is going to support you in what
you are doing. I have a close network of friends that I know whenever I don’t
feel good I can call them up to talk. When I go through a tough time, they are
there to listen and support me and build me back up.
Can you share a success story?
As part of my
in-person sessions I take clients out to places like the mall, coffee shop, or
book store and I have them practice going up to people and starting a
conversation while I observe and later give them feedback. One of my clients, when he
first came to me he couldn’t maintain a conversation at all. He could hardly
talk to me. The idea of going up to a woman and starting a conversation was
horribly terrifying for him. We did a lot of work and a lot of exercises on how
to come up with things to say and how to genuinely connect with people. One
day, we had a session in which he had talked to 15 women over the span of 2
hours and it had gone nowhere. Every woman had shot him down. All the
conversations were 30 seconds of less. He was really struggling that day but
agreed to try one more. We got out
of the elevator, and without me telling him a thing, he just went towards this
girl, whom, later he told me, he thought she was very attractive, and he talked
to her for 20 minutes and got her number. When he initially asked for her
number, she refused; she said she doesn’t give her number to strangers. So he stuck with it and genuinely got
to know her. He got back to those skills of getting to know a person. That’s
what I teach my clients. It’s not about just getting the number; it’s about
brightening someone’s day and creating a genuine connection. It felt really good to finally see him
get to that point.
If you were to coach women on dating, what
would you advise them?
To bear in mind
that guys tend to think that women have all the power to drive the success or
failure of their love life: the guy offers and it’s up to the woman to say yes
or no.
If you are not
interested don’t lead him on. Don’t say yes because you feel like being nice. Be
kindly honest: you can say, “Hey, I really appreciate it. It’s really
courageous, I encourage you to keep doing this, but I’m not interested.” This way he can move on to
someone who is interested. He deserves someone who is genuinely interested in him.
If you are
interested, guys really appreciate it when a woman takes more initiative
and gives them some sort of sign or encouragement that she would love to hang
out with them. Initiative has got to be used sparingly; if a woman starts to
take all the initiative it could be a huge turn off for a guy. Guys do like the chase; it’s just like
everything in life – if you don’t work for it you don’t appreciate it.
I usually tell guys to plan the date
and pick the day and location. If a woman is still interested in going out with
him but the time doesn’t work for her, it would be nice if she offers an
alternative instead of just saying the time doesn’t work for her.
On the first date – don’t talk
too much about yourself. Make sure it’s a balanced conversation between the two
of you. It’s your opportunity get to know him better. You want to avoid the
type of conversation when one person is quiet and the other person talks and it
becomes some sort of a therapy session.
If you get food and drinks –
offer to split it. Usually the guy will get it the first time, as is the
general custom, but it’s always nice when the girl offers.
Don’t plan something else on your
date night. It may be nice to have a backup plan if the date falls through, but
then you don’t give yourself a chance to really get to know the person and see
where it may go. If you really need to go somewhere that night, let him know in
advance - so he is not caught off guard; he might have something grand planned
for you but if you just cut it off last minute, that leaves a sour taste.
It would be
nice if on the second or third date, especially if the guy says that he would
like to see you again, if you offer where to go or what to do the next time you
go out. I think if a girl takes
the initiative and says, “hey, I really want to go with you to this thing.”- it
makes a guy feels really good. It tells the guy that you really want to spend
time with him and that you are not just saying yes because you’ve got nothing
else to do. It tells him that you
actually think about him and enjoys his company. That makes a world of
difference.
English (United States) ·