Two months ago I interviewed
marketing expert Melinda Rodrigues about the self-marketing aspects of online
dating. I published this interview last week. Curious to check this arena myself, I
registered with one of the online dating sites and created a profile based on
Melinda’s advice. I had it active
for the duration of one month. I am now sharing with you my experience and some
of my insights.
About the profile
I created the profile just for the
purpose of research. I had no
intention of dating anyone. I did not initiate first contact with any man, just
wanted to see who would react to my profile, and how.
Before posting my profile online,
I shared it with several people and asked them two questions:
A. Does the profile give you a
clear sense of the person behind it?
B. Does the profile give you a
clear sense of the type of person who could be a good match?
Based on the feedback received I
tweaked the profile, until everyone agreed that the mental picture was very
clear.
Initially I debated whether to
use a picture or not; eventually I decided to use one picture to increase my chances
to be noticed.
I deliberately declared that I
want someone to marry. I wanted to see what type of men would approach a woman
who declares her intention of wanting a long-term commitment.
While I was registered, I also
used the time to check profiles of both men and women.
My insights
Accountability:
Since no one holds you
accountable when you create an online profile, it’s really easy to not be
completely honest with the details you provide about yourself. Of course if you
create a profile with the intention to date someone, you won’t get too far by
not revealing the truth.
Photos:
Some of the photos that people
posted were either not the most flattering, or not the most appropriate. It
seems that some people are not really aware of how their photos affect other
people. Some people posted their photos taken while they were asleep; others
shared photos of themselves half naked showing their muscles. There is a time
and a place to share those images, and it’s hard to predict how different
people might react to different pictures. My advice – show only photos that you
would feel comfortable sharing with work colleagues.
More men than women shared photos
of themselves hugging with someone of the opposite sex. It might be a sibling
or a very good friend; but if you want people to be able to imagine themselves
with you - those photos do not serve the purpose.
Sharing photos with children
might not be the safest thing to do. You might be a proud and loving parent,
but keep the privacy of your children. It’s enough that you mention in the
profile that you have children.
Gender Differences:
When I went through profiles of
heterosexual men and women, some of the known gender-behavior differences were
very apparent. Here are just two examples:
Men tend to write shorter
profiles then women. Some women write really long and detailed profiles that
are exhausting to read.
When it comes to describing one’s
body type, most women choose average, while a larger number of men choose athletic
– even though their photos reveal a different reality. When I checked the
profile of those men, some were engaged in activities that might be called
athletic – like fishing and golfing – but unfortunately those types of
activities don’t contribute much to muscle building. Also, an athletic life
style is very different from having an athletic body type (see my paragraph
about Reading Comprehension).
The Education Factor:
Level of education plays a big
factor in someone’s ability to communicate. 100% of men with no college
education approached me with a simple message that contained a single word or a
very simple sentence like “Hi” or “How are you”. Only 20% of men with college
education approached with minimal wording. Most of the men with a higher level of education actually
put some effort in their approach, referring to something I wrote in my profile
and tell how or why they thought we are compatible.
Reading Comprehension and
Attention Span:
Online dating is a very cerebral
process. You need to be able to express who you are in writing, analyze
profiles to consider compatibility, and be able to communicate in writing with
people. To start with, not many people have a good sense of who they are. In
many profiles people wrote what they love to do rather than who they are.
I had men approach me claiming that we are compatible. Most men who did so had the tendency to cling to one item I wrote in my profile, usually the first item. Checking their profiles revealed that what they wrote was the truth, but they missed the other parts where we were not compatible. When I challenged those men - showed them what they wrote about themselves in comparison to what I wrote about myself, and then asked them to explain how exactly we are compatible - they disappeared.
I had men approach me claiming that we are compatible. Most men who did so had the tendency to cling to one item I wrote in my profile, usually the first item. Checking their profiles revealed that what they wrote was the truth, but they missed the other parts where we were not compatible. When I challenged those men - showed them what they wrote about themselves in comparison to what I wrote about myself, and then asked them to explain how exactly we are compatible - they disappeared.
I found that people either don’t
pay close attention to what you write about yourself and about what you are
looking for, or they just don’t care. Here are some examples:
As I mentioned earlier, I
declared that I want someone to marry – that didn’t stop people who just wanted
a friendship from approaching me.
I wrote that I have a Master’s
degree and I’m looking for someone who is educated and intellectual – and yet, people
with no college education approached
me.
I wrote that I’m 44 and looking
for someone between 42-50 – I had men as young as 32 and as old as 55 approach
me.
I wrote that I don’t want to have
children – still, some men who wrote in their profile that they want children
approached me.
On the other hand, many people
reacted to my photo and commented on it.
While Online Dating requires some
level of written communication – crafting a clear message and being able to
comprehend one - people still react more to visual triggers. I wouldn’t be
surprised if the decision to approach someone or not relies more on how
attracted someone is to you based on your picture rather then the profile text.
Time:
Most activity on my profile was
registered on the weekends and a few during weeknights. It is quite logical, as
people are busy with work during the week. Online dating can be time consuming;
browsing through profiles and corresponding with people can take hours. For
people who are very busy, online dating might be more of a chore than
fun.
Conclusion
Online dating is a great tool to
meet people outside of your social network. To get the most out of it use a
flattering photo of yours and be very clear and blunt about who you are & what
you are looking for. If you are looking for someone who resembles your
social-economical & educational levels and lifestyle, networking with
friends and family could be a better option. Since we tend to hang around with
people who are similar to us, there are high chances that your close circle of
friends and family know some people who are compatible with you. In most cases,
they usually have a good sense of who you are and who might be a good match for
you or not.
